💥 The eBay Comedy Hour: “Dear Seller, Please Be Our Free Courier Slave (And Smile While You Do It)” 💥

www.canker.co.uk

Oh look, another glorious email from eBay landed in our inbox. 🧠✨ You know the one — where they casually ask small businesses to morph into Amazon Prime, DHL Express, and Santa Claus rolled into one. All for the great honor of… a badge. Not money. Not actual support. A badge. 🎖️

Let’s dissect this masterpiece of comedy, shall we?

🎯

“Free delivery within 3 working days!”

Oh yes, let me just flap my wings and hand-deliver that canker powder across the UK by Wednesday, shall I? Because clearly I’m not a seller — I’m a bloody pigeon with a PayPal account. 🐦📦

Free delivery, within 3 days, from our own pockets. In what world is this sustainable? It’s not “Premium Service.” It’s “Premium Stupidity.”

🎯

“You offer free delivery on 13% of your listings. Boost that number!”

Boost that number? Sweetheart, I’d love to, but unfortunately, Royal Mail charges money, and I haven’t been able to pay my postman in Monopoly notes lately.

Here’s a revolutionary idea, eBay: why don’t you fund the postage costs if it’s such a brilliant idea? Oh wait — because you’re too busy counting that 10% final value fee from every £4.99 bottle of ear mite drops we sell.

🥁

“Sellers offering 3-day delivery see a 7% sales increase!”

Really? Did they also see a 27% increase in rage, grey hairs, and being forced to eat instant noodles every day because they’re giving away their margins to chase your imaginary badge?

And let’s talk about that 7%. Big whoop. You know what else boosts sales? Fair fees, seller support, and not treating us like disposable vending machines with postage stamps.

🎖️

“Benefits of the Badge!”

The badge. The magical badge. Oh how we yearn for the pixelated glory of that little yellow icon. That prestigious, shining eMedal of Servitude.

Apparently, this almighty badge gives us:

• A little more visibility in search.

• A 10% discount off your already eye-watering cut of our sales.

Wow. What an honor. We’ll be sure to pin it on our cardboard boxes before we run to the post office — unpaid — like loyal little eSlaves.

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“Express delivery within 2 days for no more than £10.”

Yes, let’s put our £4.99 item on express for £10 shipping, and take a massive loss just to make eBay’s metrics smile. Genius.

Also, 57% of customers expect their orders in 2 days? And what percentage of those customers are willing to pay for it? Oh, right — none. Because eBay trained them to expect Amazon service at car boot sale prices.

📦

“0% of your listings offer tracked delivery.”

Yes, and you know why? Because you don’t reimburse us when the parcel gets lost, but you’ll still issue a refund and let the buyer keep the item AND the money.

You love your tracking so much? Why don’t you put a GPS chip in every stamp?

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“Great job! You offer 30-day returns!”

Well thank dog for that tiny pat on the head after all the other hoops we’re supposed to jump through. We’re already offering 30-day returns, and still eBay backs scammers claiming “item not received” while sitting on their free item, sipping tea.

💡 Final Thoughts: We’re Not Your Unpaid Interns

eBay, listen up. We are not Amazon. We’re not couriers. We’re not your warehouse staff. And we’re definitely not working for badges like we’re on some kind of Brownie camp for grown-ups.

We are small business owners. We have bills. We have packaging costs. We have to pay for dog treats to bribe the mailman to actually scan our parcels.

So no — we won’t be offering free 3-day express tracked magical unicorn delivery. And we won’t feel bad about it.

Because at the end of the day, a badge doesn’t pay the rent.

Neither does a 7% increase in stress-induced eye twitches.

But hey, thanks for the email. It made for a great comedy blog.